I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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