So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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