i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
