Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
