all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
