One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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