dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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