Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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