just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
