remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
