I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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