I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
