They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize