My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know her cup size but not her name....
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