21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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