he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
