So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
