It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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