Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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