remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
