he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
