census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
