His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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