I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
