so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
