I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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