I CAN MOONWALK!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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