tell your sister to shave her snatch
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
