A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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