i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
