i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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