I think I died a long time ago.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
