Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize