I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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