she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
