new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize