i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
