i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize