last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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