he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
