so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
