I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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