the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
