so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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