well I can't set my house on fire every night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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