I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
