So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
