Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
