My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
