How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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