New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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