True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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