we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
