note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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