it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
