I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
