umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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