If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
