I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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