is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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