I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
