my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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