When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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