I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So many bounce houses so little time
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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