I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
