when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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