I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
