I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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