Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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